My heart is pumping and my mind is racing and I'm just so damn sick of it. Why is nobody listening? Why doesn't anyone else see what this is doing to our mentally vulnerable? Mental health is being neglected and it's not OK. It's time to shed some light. This is my 𝓌𝒽𝓎...
I'm going to share my experience with regards to the direct affect this pandemic has had on my mental wellness. Take it or leave it, scoff or agree, I don't care. It's time someone shares their story so that others can reflect and say, "Hey, I get it. Maybe that's why I've been feeling so shitty myself..."
I'm a recovering alcoholic. What does that mean, exactly? Well, to people who don't understand alcoholism, it can come with a stigma. It's often times thought of as "a choice" that's made. "Why can't you just stop drinking?," they'd ask. "It doesn't make any sense to me. You're ruining your life and obviously it's because you drink too much. So why don't you just stop? It can't possibly be that hard."
But it is that hard. Alcoholism and drug addiction is a disease of the brain. By definition, "addiction is a chronic, relapsing disorder characterized by compulsive drug seeking, continued use despite harmful consequences, and long-lasting changes in the brain. It is considered both a complex brain disorder and a mental illness."
The disease is so complex, in fact, that we have formulated an off-the-grid organization specifically designed to allow us to connect with and socialize with other like-minded people who have experienced some of the same things we have. Through AA, we can communicate with others who understand, sin judgement.
And that's what keeps us sober.
Now, because of COVID-19 and the mandates that have been put in place in attempt to prevent the spread of the disease, all of that has been ripped away from us. Sure, we have Zoom, but it's not the same. As a North Carolina resident who recently moved to the Raleigh area, I find it virtually impossible to make meaningful connections via Zoom. I can resonate with my peers and gain insight on our condition, which always makes me feel a little better, but I don't come out of virtual meetings with any new friends. New, meaningful, thriving relationships are formed via in-person gatherings, where we can stay behind and chat for a while, exchange phone numbers, make dinner plans, etc.
The state of NC has mandated masks. We are forbidden to enter an establishment without covering our faces and staying 6 feet away from one another. Because of this, in-person AA and NA meetings have been demolished. No one wants to go to a meeting where a mask is mandated throughout the entire conversation. It defeats the purpose of human interaction and personal connection. It's simply smashed. The validation is gone. We begin to feel the effects of isolation and emotional distress, and our chances of relapse skyrocket.
In fact, spikes in overdose-related deaths and emergency calls have been reported in localities across the US. These include Cayuga County in New York, Hamilton County in Ohio, and Jacksonville, FL. Alcohol sales increased 55 percent in the second-to-last week of March 2020, compared with the previous year. And this was just the very start of the pandemic lock-down! A study by Well Being Trust and the American Academy of Family Physicians estimated up to 150,000 additional “deaths of despair” from drugs, alcohol, and suicide, linked to the effects of the COVID-19 pandemic. In addition, experts caution that people struggling with addiction during COVID-19 are especially vulnerable to relapse.
Furthermore, being new to the area, I'd love to expand my network and simply meet other like-minded business folks, entrepreneurs, small business owners, etc. But there's just one problem with that - every networking event and social city gathering has been canceled.
Forget meeting new people. It's just not a thing anymore.
As a result, I've seen my stress, anxiety and depression levels rise so dramatically that it's debilitating. Roughly a month before my wedding in October, I weened myself off of my anti-depression and anti-anxiety medication. I was extremely proud of myself for accomplishing this milestone. I've always been an advocate of holistic health care, including mental health. I'm aware that diet and exercise (and overall lifestyle) has a profound effect on how I feel mentally and emotionally. I try to implement these healthy habits as much as possible, but it's not enough...
What now? We are not able to really go anywhere or enjoy life with friends and family. So, We stay home in hopes that all of this goes away sometime soon so that we can get back to our ordinary lives and start to feel a little better. Personally, I dove into studying spirituality and the metaphysical in an attempt to connect with my inner-self, understanding that prayer and meditation is essential for my recovery. And I began looking for a job...
...I began looking for a job. NC is one of the poorest states in the country. In fact, "last year, 1.4 million North Carolinians lived in poverty, making North Carolina the state with the 15th highest poverty rate. In 2018, 19.7 percent, or nearly 1 in 5 kids in North Carolina, lived in poverty." Staggering and devastating statistics. This pandemic has only made things worse. Driving around downtown, virtually every other building is vacant, representing small businesses that simply didn't make it. Job loss surpassed 500,000 in NC alone directly due to the pandemic. Therefore, it seems 𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻𝔂𝓸𝓷𝓮 is looking for a job.
I searched for work for nearly 3 months before I finally landed a position that aligns with my life goals and personal values. While previously living in Colorado working for Amazon, I was making over $70,000/year. Now, the most lucrative position I can find pays $15 an hour. Seriously, you think I'm kidding... I'm not. Indeed.com shows you how many people you are up against with any given opportunity. I applied for 164 jobs, each with 100+ applicants, without exception. I didn't hear back from the vast majority. It's an employers market right now. There are so many people looking for work that credentials don't matter. It's all about who you know, not what you know. And I don't know anyone in Raleigh, so here we go at $15 an hour! Trying to make it work and drowning financially in the mean time.
Our financial situation is serious, but it's only contributing slightly to my mental detriment. I can no longer practice yoga (which is literally my lifeline,) because I can't afford it. I have one good friend here and my husband - only 2 people who I interact with on a regular basis. When I go to the grocery store, I can't even smile at the person across from me. I go to the gym and wear a mask the entire time, even while running on the treadmill. It's miserable, but I continue to go because I know that I have to keep my body physically healthy in order to maintain some level of mental stability. It's the only thing that is helping me at this time. But it's not enough...
Also, am I the only one who can't breath with the damn mask covering my entire face? Not solely in the gym, but in general? No really, I'm not being dramatic. I honestly have an exceptionally hard time breathing. Sometimes I have to pull the mask down and gasp for air as if I've been held under water for an entire minute. Depriving our brains of pure oxygen that mother nature is trying to provide for us can't possibly be healthy. Never mind the contribution it plays to the literal insanity of it all. Trivial? Maybe. But it's also a real struggle that no one seems to acknowledge.
Moving forward...
I've since applied to get back on my medication. Which sucks, you guys. It's literally the last thing I wanted to do. I don't have insurance, so I had to seek out other outlets. They don't make it easy, which I understand. I simply hate the idea that I have to get back on my meds because I can't utilize my everyday outlets to keep myself healthy. I feel defeated. Pharmaceutical medication only masks the problem, it doesn't fix it. I'm more fortunate than others in a sense that I understand the effects pharmaceutical drugs have on the human body. I'm going to continue to work on myself and develop my spirituality and try to understand that I have more control over the way I'm thinking and feeling than I realize. But the life struggle is 𝓢𝓞 real.. it's 𝓢𝓞 𝓡𝓔𝓐𝓛 you guys...
I wrote this article not as a cry for help (I'm OK. I'm coping. I promise. I'm not at any risk of harming myself or anyone else, or relapsing, so please don't worry,) but in an attempt to shed some light on the flip-side of the pandemic. What are we doing for those who are struggling mentally and emotionally? Anxiety and depression is real. "In August, the center for disease control and prevention released results of a nationwide survey conducted during the last week in June: More than 40 percent of those who responded reported symptoms of anxiety or depression or increased substance use, in addition to other struggles. And more than 10 percent said that they had seriously considered suicide in the past 30 days, compared with just over 4 percent who said the same thing in 2018." Let me reiterate - 10 percent said they had seriously considered suicide in the past 30 days!
We can't continue to just pump people full of drugs to suppress the symptoms. If we're going to continue to force people to isolate themselves from the world, we need to offer resources. And I'm talking resources that aren't impossible to obtain given someone's financial situation.
Why isn't mainstream media covering this aspect of the pandemic? Prevention must be prioritized, if nothing else, while we wait for a clearer picture.
Much Love,
𝒦𝒶𝓉
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